steven freakin' seagal

b.b. fn king

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 09:49:03 GMT

the thing about this nigga is, he's hardcore. i know, you're sitting there, reading steven seagals livejournal, thinking to yourself "but, steve, that niggas got muhfuckin' diabetes." at least that's what you'd be thinking if you were samuel loud jackson. and to retort, i've got this evidence:

look at that face, and tell me you aren't looking into the eyes of a cold blooded killer. i get the chills whenever he walks on set (which he doesn't do, as he's been confined to rolling around on some contraption with wheels. it hurts the toes), and even looking at that picture is enough to make my spine quiver. and i've killed men before.

that face is filled with something close to "should i kill them first, then rob them, or rob them, then kill them?". i have no doubt that if he and dmx were to have a boxing match, bb king would come out on top. being the older of the two (by about two hours), that wheelchair spin-kick would devestate x's weak ankles.

love,
steven seagal

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 21:54:30 GMT

i took a break after my binge last night to start filming my new movie 'prince of pistols' in new orleans, starring myself and, namely, famed hard rock musician b.b. king. this man has played with some of the most electrifying groups to ever prance around on stage with a lethal amount of hair spray in their hair: megadeth, ratt, wolfmother, and last but not least cat stevens. he's amazingly adept at computer wizardry (he's more than once informed me that he's got the heads of several imperial wizards mounted above his kitchen sink), and helped me create this beaut. steven seagal hopes you guys like it.

and now for the unveiling of the rapist:

love,
steven seagal

our great country...

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 19:35:56 GMT

so, yesterday was the fifth year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, and it got me thinking:

why the fuck is there no rapist emoticon on any of these blogs? this upsets steven seagal very much, and has caused me much mental harm. i hammered a case of jim beam (the big bottles, to help conserve our waste dumps space) and went on a date with keifer sutherland. does that even begin to describe the mental anguish? he tried to slip me a mickey, but i'd already added six or seven to my own drink, so i obviously tasted the extra one. i then kidney punched him so he could feel my pain; not the mental anguish at the lack of a rapist emoticon, but the years of alcohol and wheat grass abuse that's taken it's toll on my kidneys.

i passed a kidney stone the size of fred flintstone last night while i was passed out. covered in blood, wearing blue jeans, and pale as an eskimo starcraft addict, i came to this realization: i could make my own rapist emoticon. i know you're all dying to see what steven seagal has come up with, but you'll have to wait.

love,
steven seagal

the internet's under siege!

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 19:34:45 GMT

so, i was in k-mart the other day, trying to find "jungle to jungle", my all time favorite movie that isn't mine. let's face it: all of my movies are simply amazing. if you don't think so, e-mail me at: stevenfnseagal@hotmail.com. you might make it into my new film "pelvic thrust" as an asian rape victim. i've got the duct tape for it. we could do it right here in the kitchen, like my last wife. i played guitar until the rohypnol (that's the name of my band, by the way) took effect. then i raped her with a rolling pin, then baked cookies with it afterwards. i don't know about you, but i love tunachip cookies.

love,
steven seagal